I promised you the low-down on all of my new co-workers, so here goes.

Karen is my boss, and the only woman to have made partner so far. She’s fluent in Spanish and goes on annual trips to Spain. She must have a thing for Spaniards because she keeps a collage of photos on her desk of the men she met on her previous trips to Europe.

Randall is my cubemate, and possibly, the most annoying person on the planet. He’s incredibly vain, a blatant womanizer, and more dependent on IM and texting than a 13-year-old girl.

Daniel is Senior Partner at Fair Oaks Law Firm and is known for clipping his toenails at work. Since he keeps his office door open, we also get to be serenaded by his loud snacking habits. I have been told he is a gambling addict as well. There’s a rumor floating around that he once challenged Randall to weightlifting contest in the office gym and lost. He’s been sore about it ever since.

George just recently made Partner at Fair Oaks, and he’s one of the weirdest people I ever met. He types with one hand. No one knows why.

Wallace is the firm’s authority on Commercial Law and can be seen at anytime of the day pacing the breezeway with a cigarette in one hand, a Diet Coke in the other, and his cellphone on his shoulder. I hear the doctors have told him to take it easy, but he seems to function better when the DA’s office is making his blood pressure skyrocket.

Massimo is one of the Lawyers and, like many of the firm’s employees, has a strange affinity for string cheese and meaningless conversation. To make matters worse, he ends nearly every conversation with, “I will have to speak to my lawyers about that,” and then laughs as if it’s a really funny joke. I don’t get it.

Wayne is a Paralegal, but he acts like he’s something special. He orders around the interns like he owns them. His motto is “Keepin’ it sleazy,” and he lives up to it by telling a proliferation of crass jokes everyday.

I don’t know what Jackson does, but he must be the office stoner. I think he was a hippy once too. He’s always going on about something. I ran into him while he was smoking a blunt in the parking lot at lunch. Somehow I think it’s ironic to have a pothead working at a law firm, but hey, it is California.
Renee is our secretary, and she never stops eating. She’s forever wandering around the office complaining, “I’m hungry.” I have never known anyone who ate as much as her. I don’t know where she puts it. She’s also really anal about keeping the microwave clean.

Aiden is one of our interns, and he seems like a pretty cool guy. I caught him doing air guitar and making twanging sounds in the office kitchen while he was waiting for the microwave to reheat his Egg McMuffin this morning. He made Renee furious by not covering it with a paper towel though.

Blake is our Mail Courier and seems to enjoy being an instigator. He actually rode into the office while still on his bike this morning just to make Wayne angry.

I wish I knew what Harold and Alisha did, but all they seem to do is fight with each other. I think a romance might be blooming there.

(Note: These are not actual photos of Fair Oaks Law Firm employees.)

Your response: