So my girlfriend and I have finally decided on a summer getaway destination. We’re going to Australia! To the Queensland coast. I was leaning towards Cairns, but she wanted to visit an old college friend in Townsville, so we we’re going to hit both, spending about a week at each destination. We’ve only been dating about six months and this will be the first trip we’ve taken together, so this could be a very eye-opening experience. Depending on the outcome, the trip could really make or break our relationship. My buddies think I’m losing it, but I think Sarah and I’ve got something. We like hanging out, and the worst that could happen is we find out we have nothing in common and that we hate each other, which we’d eventually figure out anyway, so, not to think like a lawyer, but basically, this trip is risk free and comes with some nice perks: sunshine, fresh air, swimming, scuba diving, and some much-deserved R & R with the girlfriend. I can’t wait to get to The Land Down Under and actually see the Great Barrier Reef in person. (See below.)

So awesome!

Who invented fire escapes and why?

The fire escape was a joint effort between Don Juan and Casanova, who were frequently forced out of bedroom windows whenever their mistresses’ significant others came home unexpectedly. Tired of hanging off building ledges until the coast was clear, the two men decided they needed a back exit. Naturally, they had to cover up the reason behind their invention with a practical name and humanitarian campaigns, which greatly cut into their conjugal visits, but it was well worth it in the end.

Why do turtles move so slow?

Each person and animal on Earth is allotted only a certain number of footsteps for their lifespan. If turtles ran everywhere, they would quickly run out of footsteps and die young. Since they take their time moving, they end up living for a very long time. Although the concept has yet to be scientifically proven, Aaron Gershfield firmly believes the secret to eternal life is to take as few of steps as possible

Why do the days get shorter in winter and longer in summer?

According to Boyle’s law, cold contracts and heat expands, which irrefutably explains why the days are longer in summer than in winter

Why do men get fat after they get married?

Single men have no trouble staying skinny because when they are hungry they go to the fridge, get disgusted with what is in it, and go to bed. Married men go to bed, get disgusted with what is in it, and go to the fridge.

Read these and other Little Known Facts on Aaron Gershfield’s website.

I haven’t talked about myself recently, so I thought I’d fill you in on what’s been going on in my life. My job is going pretty well. They recently re-organized the firm, so I am now working under another lawyer (Daniel) along side Jackson, who I recently realized does investigative work for the firm. I have even been sent on a few research outings and stakeouts with him. It’s not nearly as exciting as they make it seem on tv.

Although my new position is more diverse and gives me a higher profile, I miss Karen, particularly her supervising style and her “man-collection.” I learned a lot from her in the month I worked under her, but nowhere near enough to compel me to share a cubical with Randall again.

My girlfriend Sarah and I are also doing great. We’ve started talking seriously about going on a summer getaway. We haven’t picked a destination yet, but I am partial to the Amalfi Coast. Karen mentioned it once, and it sounded like a dream vacation: a little villa on the crystal blue sea, spending all my time swimming, sunning, or reading. I can’t wait to get away from here and relax!

Happy Hump Day Everyone!

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…’”

But most days, I feel like this…

I came in an hour early this morning to finish up some work from yesterday because the lawyers give me more than I can handle in a day, which I wouldn’t mind so much if they were more appreciative. At least the compensation makes this job worth it.

I’ve only been at the Fair Oaks Law Firm for two days, but it’s already starting to take a toll on me. This firm sure gets their money’s worth out of their paralegals and interns! I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve worked this hard, and I’m not even working for partner. I don’t know how Karen did it. Although, she is brilliant. She could do anything. I am starting to wish I was Spanish.

When Karen and I were both getting coffee this morning, she asked me if I’d ever been to Europe. Of course I said I hadn’t, and she encouraged me to go. She said she’s always had wonderful experiences and come back rejuvenated and inspired. I’ve begun thinking about how I could afford a trip. Since I was without a job for almost a month, my savings is nearly gone, but I might be able to afford it in a couple months. My new girlfriend and I have been talking about taking a trip together. I think Europe might be a little much for a new relationship, but it might not be in six months or a year. Well, at least it gives me something to think about while I am slaving away at work.

I promised you the low-down on all of my new co-workers, so here goes.

Karen is my boss, and the only woman to have made partner so far. She’s fluent in Spanish and goes on annual trips to Spain. She must have a thing for Spaniards because she keeps a collage of photos on her desk of the men she met on her previous trips to Europe.

Randall is my cubemate, and possibly, the most annoying person on the planet. He’s incredibly vain, a blatant womanizer, and more dependent on IM and texting than a 13-year-old girl.

Daniel is Senior Partner at Fair Oaks Law Firm and is known for clipping his toenails at work. Since he keeps his office door open, we also get to be serenaded by his loud snacking habits. I have been told he is a gambling addict as well. There’s a rumor floating around that he once challenged Randall to weightlifting contest in the office gym and lost. He’s been sore about it ever since.

George just recently made Partner at Fair Oaks, and he’s one of the weirdest people I ever met. He types with one hand. No one knows why.

Wallace is the firm’s authority on Commercial Law and can be seen at anytime of the day pacing the breezeway with a cigarette in one hand, a Diet Coke in the other, and his cellphone on his shoulder. I hear the doctors have told him to take it easy, but he seems to function better when the DA’s office is making his blood pressure skyrocket.

Massimo is one of the Lawyers and, like many of the firm’s employees, has a strange affinity for string cheese and meaningless conversation. To make matters worse, he ends nearly every conversation with, “I will have to speak to my lawyers about that,” and then laughs as if it’s a really funny joke. I don’t get it.

Wayne is a Paralegal, but he acts like he’s something special. He orders around the interns like he owns them. His motto is “Keepin’ it sleazy,” and he lives up to it by telling a proliferation of crass jokes everyday.

I don’t know what Jackson does, but he must be the office stoner. I think he was a hippy once too. He’s always going on about something. I ran into him while he was smoking a blunt in the parking lot at lunch. Somehow I think it’s ironic to have a pothead working at a law firm, but hey, it is California.
Renee is our secretary, and she never stops eating. She’s forever wandering around the office complaining, “I’m hungry.” I have never known anyone who ate as much as her. I don’t know where she puts it. She’s also really anal about keeping the microwave clean.

Aiden is one of our interns, and he seems like a pretty cool guy. I caught him doing air guitar and making twanging sounds in the office kitchen while he was waiting for the microwave to reheat his Egg McMuffin this morning. He made Renee furious by not covering it with a paper towel though.

Blake is our Mail Courier and seems to enjoy being an instigator. He actually rode into the office while still on his bike this morning just to make Wayne angry.

I wish I knew what Harold and Alisha did, but all they seem to do is fight with each other. I think a romance might be blooming there.

(Note: These are not actual photos of Fair Oaks Law Firm employees.)

Tomorrow will be my first day at Fair Oaks Law Firm, and I am getting pretty psyched. It’s been awhile since I was working at an office, so this could be interesting. I’m wondering what everyone is going to be like. I think I will blog about them tomorrow, you know, describe all of them to you. Don’t worry. I’ll let you all in on the water cooler gossip, and you don’t have to worry about me losing this job. I now understand why photocopying your butt and posting it all over the office is unprofessional. So until tomorrow, this has been Aaron Gershfield! Over and out.